by BREANA BACON
Y’all, look. I’m tired.
I prepared myself for my edges to be snatched as I settled down to watch yet another installment of the stress-inducing travesty that is Scandal. I was ready to be blown away by the world knowing about Fitz and Olivia. I was waiting for it in the first 30 seconds.
I’m sure y’all were ready as well. However, as I previously mentioned, Shonda loves to run up and snatch the very hair off of our scalps as if it belonged to her in the last two minutes. But what she did tonight was simply unforgivable. My letter to Shonda Rhimes about various topics: my stress level, my edges, and the state of America after Thursday nights is still in the works. Bare with me and read on, Gladiators, as I try to make it through this tonight.
When we left Liv and Fitz last week, the world had just gotten wind of Olitz, the couple we were sure would stay a secret forever. As usual, we open the episode with Sally Langston working our nerves, spilling the tea (which was cold by then) of Fitz and Liv’s affair. She really needs to learn to mind her own business. It would do wonders for those wrinkles. But that’s none of my business. You guys let me digress every week and I won’t tolerate it today.
Just as we expected, Liv was NOT here for Fitz’s idea of facing the music so they could finally go away to Maine and make jam and she made a break for it. Fitz found himself Pope-d. Tough cookies.
While running from the paparazzi and letting Fitz handle (or not) the drama with their leaked photos, Liv gets back to what she knows best: fixing. She finds another case involving a spoiled brat who is suspected to have killed his father and is now on the run. Just when Quinn is laying out the facts, in walks Dr. Jake From State Farm with his new patient, Huck, who is now desperate to prove to Quinn that he is “fixed.” I’m not too sure about you all, but that made me think of Huck as a pitbull and Jake as a vet who….you know what, nevermind, we’re not gonna go into this. I’m digressing. I told y’all not to let me do this. Shame on you.
Moving on, the obvious suspect didn’t have to be found because she came to Fitz. Mrs. Melody Grant, First Lady and junior senator. Mellie offers to make the whole scandal “go away” if Fitz simply says he’s sorry for serving her with divorce papers. The two go back and forth blaming each other for leaking the pictures, both completely clueless as to who actually leaked them. I won’t lie, I was clueless too. Despite all this aloofness between the Worst Couple, Fitz didn’t seem to be in a very apologetic mood. He gave Mellie the boot yet again and she was embarrassed for the third time in two episodes. Poor her.
One thing I would be remiss to not discuss is how loyal Jake From State Farm is. That man has been left for a lesser man, a lesser MARRIED man, more than once and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I love Liv and everyone knows slander against her will not be tolerated, but she needs to wake up. Why in the world would you continuously turn down a man who will go on a man hunt with and for you, fix your pitbull/hitman, and agree to offer you the meanest cuddle on television? WHY? How dare you, Olivia Pope, when I can’t even get a man to text me back? Anyway, I’m digressing and you all are not helping.
Another issue I would like to discuss with you, my dear Gladiators, is the audacity of Susan to come at the president wildly and crazily about him being in love with Olivia. I mean, I know homegirl is the moral compass of the White House, but simmer down, boo. We didn’t ask for your opinion.
Cyrus Bean has returned from the dead, attempting to assist Abby, who was attempting to play nanny to the president, who refused to give a statement about he and Mellie’s marriage and about his affair with Liv. Cyrus tells Abby to be the adult and tells her that sometimes she has to make the kiddies eat their vegetables even when they don’t want to. I think Cyrus has lost his mind and is looking to get Abby’s throat slit by the president himself and for Lizzie Bear to drag her lifeless body to the White House dumpster, but clearly I was mistaken. Abby steps up to the plate– or podium– and tells the press what Fitz wouldn’t: he and Mellie are fine, never better and that Liv is not nor has she ever overstepped her boundaries, politically or personally.
By the 9:59 mark, I thought I won. My edges were still intact, Lizzie Bear was named the unlikely culprit in leaking the pictures and Fitz and Mellie were preparing to make a statement together. All was right with the world and I was ready to go to bed.
But no. Because Shonda has no respect for my well being or my hair, for the second week in a row my entire soul was snatched from my body after a reporter asks Olivia if she is Fitz’s mistress AND SHE SAYS YES.
WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN AND WHY.
Shonda Rhimes: 2
My edges: -90
Find me some Dr. Miracle, y’all.