Cue the countdown and prepare for hibernation. Though it has been a year since Netflix released a new season of Orange is the New Black, life will once again have meaning when fans finally view more prison drama for the hit show’s third season. But before that, it only seems fair to review the lives of our favorite (and not so favorite) characters through a reminiscent stroll down the dark halls of Litchfield Penitentiary.
Piper: After lying under oath in court to protect her ex-girlfriend/soul mate/arch nemesis, Piper learns that Alex Vause ended up selling her out to shave time off her own sentence. OUCH. In addition, Piper gets granted furlough when her grandmother dies, where she breaks up with her longtime fiancé Larry and later learns that he has fallen in love with her best friend Polly. DOUBLE OUCH. On the bright side, once Piper’s love triangle was put to rest, she got way less annoying and spent her time fighting for respectable prison conditions.
Last seen: Plotting revenge against Vause by tipping off authorities after Alex tells Piper she plans to run away in efforts to escape her former drug lord boss.
Red: After losing her status as head of the kitchen to Gloria and the Latina crew, Red befriends the older prison mates as the first step to getting back on top. She soon reunites with an old frenemy named Vee, and from then on, things escalate rather quickly as the two leaders fight for dominance over the prison’s smuggling business. Long story short: Red strangles Vee during a blackout, but stops just shy of actually killing her. In return, Vee almost beats Red to death after agreeing to what was evidently a fake truce.
Last seen: Chilling in the prison hospital and mustering up the strength to continue on her journey back to power after a really rough first go-around.
Taystee: Speaking of mustering up strength, Taystee spent most of the season reverting back to old ways once Vee came back to jail. As it turns out, Vee took Taystee in as her foster mom and taught her to peddle drugs when she was a child. They ended their relationship on bad terms, but soon reconciled because of course, Vee is crazy powerful. As a result, Taystee pushed her best friend Poussey away and constantly struggled to regain independence from Vee.
Last seen: Hugging it out with Poussey and finally breaking away from her foster mother, persuading Vee’s other followers to realize how insane that woman is and abandon her as their leader.
Poussey: Poussey certainly brought all the feels this season. 1) She refused to get in cahoots with the infamous Vee, instead opting to work quietly in the prison library and occasionally drink her sorrows away from a secret mason jar of alcohol she hides in the ceiling. 2) She fell in love with Taystee, who ain’t really about that life *wink wink* and 3) She got jumped by, of all people, Crazy Eyes. #CallOprah
Last seen: Making amends with Taystee, and probably hoping she comes around to the whole lesbian thing. #YouKnowYouLoveMe.
Daya and Bennett: Oh, how things change once the honeymoon phase wears off. Daya spent all season two TRYING her man at every opportunity, pressuring him to come out as the father of her unborn child and take responsibility for the situation. Meanwhile, Bennett was blackmailed into smuggling all sorts of luxury items to Daya’s family, and took all his stress out on innocent bystanders in the process. In the end, the couple was forced to make some really messed up decisions. Ultimately, they chose to pin Daya’s baby on Officer George Mendez a.k.a. Pornstache, and got him sent to jail. However, Mendez, being the weirdo romantic he is, swore to come back for Daya once he was done serving time, and take care of both her and “their” kid.
Last seen: Further exploring the complex dynamic of their relationship, seeing how Bennet is a man of authority while Daya has no power whatsoever. Oh, and Bennet finally told Caputo the baby is his. Awesomely enough, Caputo took it pretty well.
Suzanne/Crazy Eyes: Every moment with Crazy Eyes is for sure a memorable one. And this season especially, Suzanne made us laugh until we cried as well as cry until we…cried some more. As it turns out, Crazy Eyes saved Piper from pretty much killing Pennsatucky by punching her in the face during the prison’s Christmas play. She then befriended Vee, who somehow did a little bit of good by getting the other African American inmates to accept her and helping Suzanne to view herself as the garden rose she truly is compared to Piper and her weedy dandelion self. Unfortunately, Suzanne soon also becomes the muscle behind Vee’s plans, and her loyalty leads to some serious violence.
Last seen: Pretty much having a nervous breakdown after defending Vee, who used her crazy manipulative Jedi mind tricks to convince Suzanne that she was the one who beat Red to a pulp. Clearly, Vee equals the spawn of Satan.
Pennsatucky: Ehhh, she got a new set of pearly whites and all her hillbilly friends left her because she sort of sucks. That is all.
Last seen: Doing things not nearly as interesting as other characters on the show…
Lorna Morello: Morello took the backseat this season, but we did find out that the guy she keeps calling her “fiancée” is most certainly NOT her fiancée. He is actually a guy she went on one date with, and then proceeded to heavily stalk pre-prison life. She even planted a bomb near his REAL girlfriend! Okay, we still love you Morello, but do not expect us to ever look at you the same way again.
Last seen: Helping Miss Rosa, a terminally ill inmate, escape Litchfield in the prison van to live out her remaining days.
Nicky: Nicky had a lot of sex. Big Boo had a lot of sex. Surprisingly, they never had sex with each other. But of course, there is always season three.
Last seen: Consoling Officer Susan Fischer, a sweet new guard fired by Joe Caputo for apparently 1) Having a boyfriend and 2) Staying faithful to said boyfriend.
Joe Caputo: After a long season of scheming and overlooking and scheming again, Caputo finally dethroned assistant warden Natalie Figueroa, who was too busy stealing money rightfully belonged to Litchfield. But not before he propositioned her for sex in exchange to let her keep her job, then broke his promise and forced her to resign anyway.
Last seen: Telling Officer Bennet to just go about his business with Daya so he can enjoy his promotion as new assistant warden for like, five minutes.
Sophia: Well, she did people’s hair, offered words of wisdom, and got some promising feedback from her son, considering all the trouble he has had accepting her gender transition. But that all pales in comparison to her brilliant breakdown of the female anatomy. Yes, apparently she is the only inmate who actually knows where her “pee hole” is.
Last seen: Being fabulous.
Vee: And of course, the woman of the hour deceived EVERYONE, made Suzanne and Black Cindy her own personal hitmen, slept with her foster son back in the day (Remember THAT?!), almost killed Red…twice, and somehow managed to shower in between all this diabolical crap. Well, after ruining everyone’s life, Vee’s tobacco smuggling operation goes under and the black girls all turn on her, so she escapes prison through a sewage tunnel.
Last seen: Lifeless and bloody against a cold open road seeing as she was run over by a car while attempting to reach freedom (God bless you Miss Rosa). However, if there is anything television has taught us, it is that no one is truly dead until you see them get buried. And sometimes not even then…